Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
