You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
