my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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