she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
