so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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