She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
