Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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