she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
