We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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