vagina is talking i cant
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
