Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I touched a dick in church today
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