We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
