Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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