now i know why i became what i already was.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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