I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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