"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
