dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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