I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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