You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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