she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
