im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
