Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
