I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
