I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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