i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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