Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
