there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
