I got chris browned last night
my vag is so smooth its legendary
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
