2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
