I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
