i would punch a child for taco bell
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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