Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
