Where did you get a picture of my penis
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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