By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
