You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
