I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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