My hand turned me down
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
