lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
