When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
