he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
