Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
