After last night, I could never be a politician.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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