I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
