I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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