Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
