i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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