I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
