That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
