Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I got inside last night via doggy door
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
