got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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