Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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