Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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