A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
