Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
