He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
