I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
