If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
