Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
