And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
