you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
